Mental health stuff is always hanging over me- it feels like if it's not one thing, it's another. It comes with the territory of dealing with a handful of them. One of the things I wanted to blog about is a strange state of being I enter after dealing with a depressive episode. It's a mix of feeling kinda numb as if my regular emotions are just starting to thaw out, and then there's my brain which will float off somewhere into space. Dissociation is a word you'll see frequently when reading about mental health problems and their symptoms. When you dissociate, you may forget things or have gaps in your memory. You may think the physical world isn't real or that you aren't real. It's a bizarre feeling.
Other symptoms include: -Have an out-of-body experience. -Feel like you are a different person sometimes -Feel like your heart pounding or you're light-headed -Feel emotionally numb or detached -Feel little or no pain -Have an altered sense of time -Not remember how you got somewhere -Have tunnel vision -Hear voices in your head -Have intense flashbacks that feel real -Become immobile -Get absorbed in a fantasy world that seems real The overall gist of it is that you're there physically, while nooooooot so much mentally. The bolded symptoms are the ones that I deal with mostly. Weird fact: one time when I was a young teen, I was so absorbed in a fantasy world that when I turned to speak to my companions in said world, I was initially genuinely shocked that nobody was there until my brain snapped back to reality. Anyways, dissociation can be completely different from one person to another, so I can't speak for everyone else. It's a big part of my mental health experience in general; it happens daily, but it's something that I feel tenfold after going through one of my dips into depression. It happened today, so I figured I'd write about it and let ya'll in on it.
Yesterday during the early evening, I got hit with what I call a sad wall. I can be feeling alright and then out of nowhere I'm blanketed in my depression. Think weighted blanket. I felt extra shitty, didn't talk for most of the night and crashed on the couch because I just didn't want to bother with being awake. This morning wasn't at the level of yesterday, but I can't say the feeling of hopeless and sadness went away entirely. It downgraded to like... a depression sheet? I had tickets to go to an event called Glow with a friend of mine and I was determined not to let my mood get the best of me (as it usually does). Challenging myself, I got up and threw myself together. I'm the queen of flaking when I'm not doing so well in my head, so I was pretty proud. Unfortunately, this is where it goes downhill. I was a disaster for most of the event. I forgot my phone with my fiance (and anyone who knows me knows how nearly impossible that is because I'm attached to it)- so not only could I not take pictures of all the pretty lights, I also didn't have my digital entry ticket. I was sweating profusely the whole time because of this ball of anxiety sitting heavy in my stomach which in turn made me feel gross and uncomfortable (especially in a busy event with all this people who could see me sweating buckets and wiping at my face constantly). While looking at vendor stuff, I kept nearly knocking stuff over and apologizing. My friend had to answer questions directed at me because my head was somewhere else and I hadn't a clue anyone was speaking to me. When I think back on the event, I can remember it as if I'm watching it on fast forward- I see it, but I don't have the details I generally would when my head is clear. At one point I went off to the washroom, but I don't actually remember doing so. All I remember is walking back to my friend afterwards.
I laughed off most of it by joking about how clumsy and dumb I am when I honestly felt like curling up into a ball and hiding under something. When I was picking up an order we had to wait for at a vendor booth, I was in the midst of putting it into its envelope holder thing and the owner said he could do it considering I was having issues earlier (when my friend had to basically speak for me, and I also somehow forgot how to use a debit machine). He didn't mean it as an insult, at all, he was just being friendly and I also laughed that off. But inside my head? I was like "can I please just disappear right now?" It's hard enough to spend so many hours feeling sad and heavy. Transitioning to this state of hardly being there is just the icing on top of the poop cake. P.S- I'm sorry if this bleeds together and doesn't read well! I'm still in the foggy place. P.S.S- For those who know me and were unaware of the dissociation, now you know I'm not just a rude ass that doesn't listen to you with glazed over eyes because I'm uninterested- it's just that my brain kinda fucked off for awhile. It's not you, it's me. ;) xoShay