Hey! For those who read my post yesterday- yikes, I was having a not so great day lol. Sometimes bad days are sparked by an event, but more often than not (when it comes to my depression and anxiety, anyways), it's just a mood that drops on to me like a heavy sheet. Could happen at any time, really. I'm feeling a little better today, which is nice. I wasn't doing well, at all, most of yesterday. Honestly, I forced myself to sleep a lot of the day away because I didn't wanna feel so crappy. Anyways! Happy New Year! Happy New Decade! I wanted to do an in-depth reflection on this last year, but tbh it was a whirlwind of things and I don't remember most of it clearly. All I do know for sure is that it was both one of the best years of my life and one of the worst. Some truly incredible things happened and I'll forever be grateful, but dang did this year suck a big ole dick. This decade (and a tad bit more) has been rough in general, too. From 2009 to now, life's been... uhhhhhhh. Not great. The first half was trauma central- I died (I got better- hi!), I was very ill, a lot of people in my family passed away so much sooner than they should have and so on and so forth. It was just bad piling onto bad and it felt like it would never end. The second half of the decade was trying to deal with the trauma that the first half tied to my mental illnesses. It's been a lot. *unenthusiastic finger guns* But! New year, new me? New decade, new me? I don't do the resolution thing mostly because I feel like it puts unnecessary negative pressure on people. The last thing anyone needs is something to worry about failing. Having said that, I still think it's good to have wishes and hopes for the coming year. I like the concept of "manifesting" things into your life. I don't think the power of thought or prayer will magically bring you what you want, but I do think keeping those wishes and hopes in your heart and your mind to remind yourself of them is beneficial. Like, if you want this coming year to be a happier year, hold that in your heart. Think about it, remind yourself of it. This way, you'll actively try to achieve it. Sadly, I can't "happy thoughts" away my depression, but I can take a deep breath and remind myself that a day doesn't necessarily have to be bad. It can start bad, but if push myself to try and overcome it, there's a chance that's exactly what will happen: I'll overcome the bad and end the day on a better note. ie. Yesterday was trash. Super trash. But later in the night I told myself that I was going to get ready and go out and spend time out with others rather than sitting in the house and moping, thinking about how shitty I felt. And you know what? It did a pretty good job. I wasn't fixed, but I did get to chat with friends and laugh into the New Year without sadness in the forefront. If you know you want better health in this year and you don't allow yourself to let go of that, you'll probably feel more inclined to make better choices when it comes to fitness or eating. You want growth? Keep that close, let that desire shape your choices. You want knowledge? Keep that close, let that desire shape your choices. You want happiness? Keep that close, let that desire shape your choices. I think that makes sense?? My hopes for this year are as follows: More happiness- I'll do my best to shape happiness where I can; I know I can't control everything. Less screen time- I'm on my phone way too damn much, I want to put effort into putting my phone down while I'm with people. I'll probably set my phone to allow only a certain amount of time on apps I use all the time and see how that goes. Less negative energy- I don't want to allow myself to get so wrapped up in other people's problems to the point where it brings me down. I don't want to deal with people who are nothing but negativity to the point where it brings me down. I don't want to allow myself to get stuck in a rut of negative thinking. Focus on myself, rather than everyone else- I need to work on myself, it's just that I get really focused on other people and wanting to help them that I put all my own shit on the back burner. It's like... a positive trait that can turn into a very damaging trait. So I guess that's how I'm walking into 2020. Manifesting a year that isn't one for the books due to how absolutely horrific it was, but one that I can say goodbye to on December 31st with a smile on my face. Not a maniacal grin because THANK FUCK IT'S OVER. I want happiness and good things for all of you. Remember: we really can't control everything. Bad shit happens, bad people happen, but all that doesn't have to be the end-all, be-all. The best we can do is find it in ourselves to do what needs to be done to make things well for us. If we need some downtime to recover before we go into "let's do this" mode, that's okay, too! Don't forget: your happiness is #1. Happy New Year! Crush it. xoShay.