Maybe I'm Growing

For those close to me, it's not shocking for me to put it out there that I'm a whirlwind of emotions. It's safe to say that sometimes, I'm probably a little too much or, at the very least, a lot. My depression, my anxiety and my BPD tend work together and the result is never great. Mostly, it's damaging to how I view the world around me. BPD (borderline personality disorder), to be general, is characterized as an inability to regulate emotion. People with BPD have wide mood swings and can feel a great sense of instability and insecurity. Personally, this leads to frantic thoughts and actions to avoid real or perceived abandonment from the people around me. The thoughts leave me paranoid and certain that whoever it is at the time doesn't like me anymore, they're going to stop wanting me to be in their life and that I did something wrong- so what do I do? Go into panic mode and confront them. Out of nowhere I'll pop up and be like, "Hey I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I did anything wrong and I just noticed that you don't talk to me the same anymore and I feel like you don't want to be my friend and...". That kinda sounds reasonable enough, but it's usually like a novel of text bombardment and the emotions behind it are either deeply sad or piping hot angry- I switch from feeling adoration for this person, to hating them and feeling like they're hurting me on purpose. In short: the outbursts more often than not come off as accusatory, even though I approached them thinking I was doing what I was owed and demanding an explanation- which isn't fair to the person whose getting all of it thrown at them. There's much more to BPD and how it shows up in my life and the lives of others who have it- but this is something specific that I wanted to discuss. All of what I stated above feels larger than life to me when I have depression that tells me I'm worthless so OF COURSE they'd want nothing to do with me and are sick of me and anxiety that stands in the background nodding along and saying that my concerns are definitely 100% true. It's overwhelming and scary and exhausting. Luckily, I'm growing. I think I have been for years, bit-by-bit. Very recently is when I pinpointed a time where I took a step back and sorted through something, coming out on the other side having been successful in not letting a mental health thing control me and my actions. This last while I've felt alienated from a friend of mine. We went from communicating pretty much constantly to me feeling like it's pulling teeth to keep a conversation going. It went from fun chats about whatever that usually left me laughing over to one-worded replies and me putting down my phone with a sigh, bummed over it and then swapping to that anger (it's called splitting btw!) where I'm like, "whatever, fuck em". Naturally, it makes me toss everything around in my head and come to the conclusion that I did something wrong and my friend doesn't like me anymore. And then pops up that absolute need to pick up my phone and confront the "issue". In my head it sounds totally reasonable, when in the big picture all it does is throw a heavy load onto someone unsuspecting, beating someone with my emotions. Over the years I've come to realize how unfair it is, no matter how innocent my mind wants to make it. Not everything I feel needs to be confronted or validated because, in all truth, there's a lot of times where I'm just being ridiculous and allowing myself to spiral into total chaos. So, anyways- the growth: I haven't popped up on my friend to open the door on everything. I've wanted to, ohhhhh have I wanted to. But I've shaken my head, closed the convo and put my phone back down. I've taken all of it in stride and shrugged off the lack of communication and me seeing it as a personal slight. They could be busy, they could be dealing with things, they could be focusing the winter holidays on their family, they could not even realize how much our conversations have changed, and they might just not feel up to talking- and that's okay. All of it is okay. Maybe they really are drifting away and, well, that would be okay, too. That wouldn't be my decision and I have to trust people to tell me if I've done something, rather than concocting scenarios in my mind and seeing them as the truth I gotta face fiercely. So, yeah. Maybe I'm growing. Maybe my gift to myself in this new year is grasping the ability to find more peace among the madness inside my head. Maybe. xoShay

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