Mental Illness Makes Me "That Friend".

You know the friend I'm talking about. Generally always up for plans, but flakes out at the last second. Might show up, but leaves less than an hour after they got there. Talks and talks about plans they want to make, but never follows through. That's me. I'm that friend. As an introvert also suffering from a plethora of mental health illnesses, my social life leaves... a lot to be desired. It's not that I don't want to socialize, especially at the conception of whatever plan I'm bound to wiggle my way out of, it's just that sometimes I honest-to-god can't. It could be from something like anxiety bubbling up, it could be my depression convincing me I should stay in, it could be me still trying to recover from some kind of explosive BPD episode where I know my mood will be horrid and I'd be a terrible companion. And, of course, it's also likely something else floating in the middle of those. I've been a flake for as long as I can remember and, honestly, I hadn't realized it was a symptom of my mental health. I mostly assumed I was lazy with an inability to say no. Which are both true, sure, just not apt for this particular situation. It's a personality trait anywho who knows me well enough will have encountered and while I'm not usually bothered by it, there are definitely moments of self reflection and cringing. Namely now. Not only did I flake on sitting down and hanging out with one of my best friends (whom I haven't seen in AGES), but I was at Dungeons and Dragons for an hour before I had to go lay down and an hour and a half before I started the car and fled home. Both situations left me feeling embarrassed and like a bad friend for numerous reasons. I know I preach that you and your mental health are the #1 priority, it's just a life lesson I still need to take in strides and understand in baby steps. I'm consistently more concerned with the possible disappointment of others than whatever is causing me to close up. It's even worse that, though it makes me feel like a sack of molding dicks, I still flake. And then I'm left with myself and my harsh inner dialogue- and that will always end up oh-so worse. I do mean it when I say that you should be your #1 priority. This is a bit of a do as I say, not as I do situation. Sorry! I know it's one of the hardest thing to do for some, to acknowledged your own feelings and wants over those you care for, though it can often be a necessity. It's not, and will never be, selfish to respect yourself. Stay home if you need to. Go home early if you need to. Hell, say no to plans if you're only saying yes to please others. Do what's best for you. Your friends/family/club will understand. Try to remember that if they don't, and treat you poorly/speak of you poorly, they're not the people you should be too concerned about, anyways. Shay. xo

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