Please Recognize Me. Please.

Today I'm angry. I'm frustrated, I'm upset. I'm a lot of things. Today I feel let down by the mental health system for a handful of reasons. I had a group this morning about learning to be assertive; it's something I struggle with. I would rather be seen as agreeable and nice than assert myself and what I want- it's an issue I've had for as long as I remember. Anyways, at one point I asked what I should do when these skills do nothing for me, even when practiced and understood. The answer? Just do it. Just say no when I want to. Just speak up when I want to. Just try harder. Just, just, just. Really? I'm well aware of why I should be more assertive and the situations when I'm not, and I'm also well aware of the ways I should use to employ this. I've been told this over and over through the last 15 years I've spent diagnosed with mental illness where I've been carted to one therapist to another, one group to another, one hospital to another, one med to another. My problem isn't knowledge; I'm more than self aware of my short comings and my issues. This goes for all sorts of things such as my emotional regulation, my coping skills, my mindfulness etc. My problem is being able to actually use these things. It's as if I genuinely can't. But oh, okay. I'll just do it. Sigh. And what's bothering me even more? How I'm written off by mental health professionals. I can see it clear as day during my hospitalization. I've been called high-functioning, articulate, vibrant etc by every single therapist/psychiatrist/social worker etc I've ever seen outside and inside of here. And because of that, I can literally see the moment they stop taking me as seriously as I know they should. It doesn't matter if I tell them I want to kill myself every single goddamn day because they look at me and go "no, no, she's fine and she'll pull through". I was told today by a worker that because depression is "like the common cold", it was unlikely I'd get long term financial assistance for it. It took everything in me not to fucking laugh. What sort of fuckery is that? The people around me have been hospitalized time and time again, have been given much bigger steps of intervention and assistance and it feels like I have to fight tooth and nail to even be recognized most of the time by the system. Despite what I tell them when I'm sound of mind, all the horrid things I think, feel and do, none of it seems to matter until I've lost my fucking mind and am on the edge or a total slave to one of my breakdowns.

Aren't professionals supposed to see beyond all of this? Isn't that their job? Aren't I, someone severely mentally ill, still supposed to matter even when I'm able to express myself healthily, or calmly? Why does the system only give a fuck when I've got the pills in my hand, the knife to my wrist or my heel precariously balancing on the ledge? Fuck. I can't deal with this. I need help. I need help and not to be told that I'm just not doing any of it right. I'm drowning. I'm beginning to hate this hospital and I'm losing steam.

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