Shayla & The Other Hospital

I haven't been doing well, ya'll. I wish I could say that being hospitalized helped and that the psychiatrists, the medication, the groups, the self-help books and the workbooks all worked together to cure me of the weight crushing me. But... that's just not true. I'm worse than ever and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not even sure if I'm in a linear tunnel anymore; all I see is darkness in every direction. It's dark, cold and lonely. I barely feel alive, anymore. And for a bit there, a few days ago, I almost wasn't. I left voice memos to some people to say goodbye and then I ate nearly all of the medication available to me. The worst part? I wasn't scared or regretful like I'd been during past attempts. There wasn't any sadness. All I did was shed a couple tears and lay my head down in bed ready to fall asleep and not wake up again. The only feeling I can say I recognized fully was relief. The in between is blurry the more I look back on it. Kyle and his mom wound up by my side at the Royal Alex Hospital, though I can't say confidently how I got there. During the revolving door of nurses and doctors, I know that I was given a Form 1- this is something that allows the hospitals to legally keep you there even against your own will because you're either a danger to yourself or others. Hours and hours later I was wheeled away from the ER and taken to a psychiatric unit to be monitored more and interviewed. Somewhere down the road I was told I could be discharged- I have no idea how many hours I was in the hospital. I'd been hooked up to all kinds of IV things and machines and I wasn't going to die and I would have supervision at home where I could wind down in an attempt to "feel better". 4 days later and I can't say that I feel better. I'm here. I'm alive. But better? No, I don't think so. From here I'll be completing the last of my hospitalization at Alberta Hospital and will get my discharge from there on Monday. I have a feeling it'll be extended because of my attempt, but I can't say for sure. I do know that after that, I'll be getting therapy at the University Hospital, as well as at the Sexual Assault Center of Edmonton. Along with that, I'll be moving to another program at Alberta Hospital for continued group work, and to a DBT program specifically to deal with my Borderline Personality Disorder. A lot is going on... but.. I don't know. It hasn't felt productive. I don't know what else to do but continue to try. Where do I go if it never works?

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