Sickness & Side Effects.

Hey, everyone! I know I've been sort of slacking on updates. That's entirely my bad. I've been fully in whomp whomp mode as I like to call it and trying to be productive hasn't been what I'd consider successful in the last long while. What's life been like lately? Still pretty low, but I've found it in myself to continue to try. That's leagues better than laying in a hospital bed after making an attempt on my life. It doesn't always feel a heck of a lot better, but it is. My two biggest problems are struggling with getting to the 14-ish days of my new medication, Abilify, where the side effects should wane and the whole getting brained by heavy existential weight when I'm just minding my business. The Abilify is both working and kicking my directly in my ass. I find I'm sent reeling into the said existential nightmare less often since starting it, BUT I also contend with a strange mix of being unshakably tired in my brain with a body that all but vibrates with energy and the need to move. It's not a cute concoction. I'll feel the need to nap and the second my head hits the pillow my legs start to tap about and my feet wiggle seemingly on their own. I gotta get up. Gotta move. I imagine this is what being on cocaine is like lmao. I completed my hospitalization on February 10th, and on the 20th I have an appointment with a therapist at the University of Alberta for another evaluation to start some other program, and then another after that to focus on my BPD. I'm disappointed in myself, but I opted to return to the waiting list with the Sexual Assault Center of Edmonton because the whole program was starting right after I completed the hospitalization and it's an understatement to say I've been overwhelmed with my brain and trying to fix it. I took time away from working to make my healing my full-time job- though I didn't think I was being that literal. My life since I called Access 24/7 about wanting to kill myself and winding up in the hospital program has been just that- programs, therapists, psychiatrists, self help books, journaling about my feelings, talking about my feelings... it's a lot, ya'll. From the 10th to the 20th if my mental health vacation. I'm still reading some of my books and I continue to post on instagram, I've simply toned it all done for a little while before I'm back at it. Facing your demons is tough work. For now, I want to rest. That's been the theme for some time now, but I'm going to go through with it. Simply rest my body, my brain and my soul.

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