Hey, everyone. I hope you're doing well! Myself? Not doing so hot. If I'm being completely honest- I'm doing about as poorly as I could without complete disaster. That's okay, though. There's ups and there's downs. It's just very down right now. I've been in a big down for something like a year now, but within that down there's been times where it hasn't been really bad. I suppose it's just been more bad than good. And this last month has been... brutal. I've been asked over and over again by the doctors and crisis operators what triggered it and I honestly can't say for sure. There was the whole issue in November where I found out someone had some pretty mean-ass things to say to me and that threw me for a loop, but I'd like to think I climbed over that ordeal and had a small span of time before all hell broke lose in my brain. I experience this as a symptom of my depression all the time, but it's been something that occurs time after time each day: I'll just be minding my business when suddenly I feel the weight of the world drop on to me and, at the flip of a switch, nothing feels good. Imagine a battery dying in a toy. It's doing it's thing and then it slows until it simply stops. That's pretty much it. And if I'm not feeling like that, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum and crying until I feel sick. It's been hard, guys. It's been so fucking hard. The night before I last I snapped. I woke up after a couple hours of fitful sleeping and I rushed to the washroom to cry. I was devoid of happiness and hope. I called a few of the local and provincial emergency distress lines only to get busy signals (they're pretty understaffed, so I understand) and about an hour later I connected with Access 24/7. For those who don't know what that is, it's a relatively new addictions and mental health place that's at the Royal Alex hospital. It's located in Anderson Hall. I spoke with a crisis operator and wheels were set in motion for big treatment plans. The following day the Access 24/7 stabilization team came out to visit me and see how I was doing and continue the treatment planning. They planned to come see me every couple of days at the house to check up on me and ensure I'm safe. Today I went to the Access 24/7 building for my psych evaluation. It was a long and trying experience, though necessary. I had to do a questionnaire about how I felt in various ways on a scale (0-3 on the suck scale) and it was difficult to see on paper the state I'm in. In short, I'm dangerously depressed, messy anxious and I've got some major self hate issues. To combat this shitty time, I'm going to be hospitalized. Luckily, I won't be locked-down constantly like some versions of hospitalization. They've decided to try having me as a day patient at Alberta Hospital (the local psychiatric hospital); their last resort is for full hospitalization due to how hard it is on patients with being isolated from the community. It's saved for those who are dangerous to others and extremely dangerous to themselves- luckily I'm not quite there. Hopefully I won't get there again. So what does this mean? I'm going to be staying at Alberta Hospital during the day where I'll be monitored, taking part in therapy and all that. It offers the same structure and treatment as if I were a live-in patient, but I get to go home at the end of the day. It can be sort of summed up as: they do the daytime babysitting and treatment, and my fiancee will be doing the night babysitting. I sound bitter, but I'm not. I do need a babysitter- I need to be monitored and I can't be alone because my suicidal tendencies are up to a troubling degree. Along with that, my medication has been reevaluated and they'll be changed. My Effexor is being upped (I'll be taking 6 capsules a day once I'm at the dose they'd like me at) and I'm weaning off of Wellbutrin XL so I can go on to Abilify. I'll be requesting that I can try Prozac instead because Abilify is notorious for weight gain and as someone who deals with disordered eating, I juuuust don't think that would be wise, you know? I don't want to live anymore. I'm tired. But dammit I'm trying. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life and I'm trying to do what I can to get there. I don't know if I'll succeed... but, I suppose we'll see, right? Along with being hospitalized, my medication has been reevaluated and they'll be changed. My Effexor is being upped (I'll be taking 6 capsules a day once I'm at the dose they'd like me at) and I'm weaning off of Wellbutrin XL so I can go on to Abilify. I'll be requesting that I can try Prozac instead because Abilify is notorious for weight gain and as someone who deals with disordered eating, I juuuust don't think that would be wise, you know? Probably not a stellar idea. I'll update you all on how things are sometime in the next week. xoShay
Hi! This is my little slice of the internet! I'm not 100% sure why I decided I wanted to make an official blog- maybe it's born of my want to help people and make even the slightest change, maybe it's because my hand hurts when I'm trying to write journal entries. Who knows? Not me!
My name is Shayla and I'm 28 years old. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a young teen and as I grew older, I had anxiety, borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder added to the roster. While my mental health has been a huge source of problems in my life, I've also experienced numerous traumatic events and hardships- and I continue to work through them to this day.
Whether you're here to understand mental health better, here to remind yourself that you're not alone in your struggles or any reason in-between: welcome.