Where Does Guilt Go?

Before I became who I am now I was someone unrecognizable. I was cold, cruel, petty and vindictive. Sometimes I hurt people for fun. I know many people would dispute my claims, but the thing is that I had it perfectly wrapped up in kind, warm and giving packaging. I could hide the monster behind a smile and a laugh. Those whom I didn't want to see the darkness didn't, and those I did suffered. I set up people for hurt, I was a bully, a liar, a cheat... you name it. I was ugly. But I'm not that person anymore. Not if I can help it, anyways. At the age of 29, I carry the heavy burden of guilt. Guilt of the terrible things I've done to people throughout my life- especially my younger life- and it drags behind me everywhere I go. It's always there. So, I wonder: where does guilt go? Does it ever go anywhere or do we simply learn to live with it? I thought apologizing to those I hurt would be the answer. That fictional closure for both sides where everyone is healed and cleansed. I did get some positive responses, though some were chilly and some didn't reply, at all. And that's okay! A response isn't always necessary, and I didn't expect any. I just wanted them to know that I was truly sorry for the things I did, and that the problem was me and my unchecked mental health, never them. I didn't expect forgiveness. Maybe that's selfish. I don't know. Maybe they were all better off not hearing from me and recalling shitty times. Maybe the last thing any of them needed was hearing from me, holding my expanse of guilt in my arms. I don't know. All I do know is that the guilt is hurting me. It's killing me. It's pushed me to try to literally kill it away. Where do you stand with the burden on your shoulders? Where does guilt go? Where do I go?

Recent Posts

See All

Feeling bored is a seriously unpleasant state of being. It can make time drag on, and then when this happens, your mind can start to wander. For people with Borderline Personality Disorder, such as my

So it's the end of the world. Okay okay, maybe not, but things have gotten pretty wild. We're living in totally unprecedented times where we're recommended to self isolate and social distance from on